The Many Josies

Hello again. I guess I sort of haven't blogged alot lately. I don't have much to say, but also at the same time I do? I guess that must not make very much sense... Thats ok. I think I'll just blurt out my thoughts. Do you ever have those days where either everythings spinning insaningly fast or terribly slow? My life has sort of been like that. I don't know if its good or bad. But there have always been different Josies and somehow they've been able to keep themselves straight and know which one is the real Josie. But lately its been getting harder. The lines of Josie are starting to blur and she, or they are confused. I think that it may be because of the mental block that she's, or rather I have set up. I look at my life as a third person, not through my own eyes. I can't really help that everythings been blocked out. Its just something I've always done. When, its subconcouis, I can't handle emotional aspects I pull out. There are two stages of this, one is where the crazy, out-there-more-than-usual-one who laughs at things that aren't funny in the least to cover up tears, and then there's the quite one. Thats when things are really bad. The quite one is trying to dig deep to find some sort of emotion, this one always feels like vomiting. Always. No one really like this one. She has the exact oppisite emotions of how one of her friends put it. She doesn't see just the flaws in people, she sees everything they are. Every last little detail. And all she can see in herself is the flaws. Or she sees reality for the cold harsh truth it is. How everyone says drama sucks but it spreads like wild fire and all she can do is keep from crying. But there still is no sincere emotions... Just gray zones. She doesn't want to be a pity case with everyone asking if it was them, or if there's anything they could do. She just wants to be blown away into the wind. Maybe thats the real Josie. The real me, and everything else is just acting. Save your breath, don't comment, don't bring it up. You just needed to know.

Cravings and Needs

I feel that often enough when I need something, I find myself craving it, wether it be food, water, love, or writing, not only do I need this things I crave them. Lately I have been craving two things. Love and writing. So to sum it up easily we can just settle on the statement that I was a really horny author stuck on writers block. Well one of those was solved. I'm still horny. I'm probably one of the worst girls to ever walk the planet when it comes to that matter... But I think I'll share about my writers block. It sucked. It lasted for like two months and thats really bad for me. Like really really. Writing is my way of safetly letting go of my emotions, but by having writers block I couldn't do that and it was killing me. I already suffer from deppression (I don't see the point in lying about it, its there so I may as well not hide it.) so when my one way of indirectly venting and sharing my emotions is taken away it doesn't feel very good. At all. It's like I'm suffocating. But its back so no worries! Now I'm just craving time to write down all the stories and thoughts swarmming in my heads. This feeling is so much better than lust, because I don't have to count on another person for it! It's like magic!!!! But it doesn't really solve my horny issue.... I'll have to work on that but for now thats it so....
Peace.

Long Time

I guess I haven't really blogged in a long time. Its not that I don't have anything to say, but I guess I just sort of feel that if you see me if you haven't noticed, heard or bothered to ask, I don't see the point in telling you. Same of I know you but don't see you, its not that hard to text back once and awhile. And if you don't know me at all, telling you is a waste of time. But I sort of guess it woudn't hurt to share a little with you. I've been hurting and its been bad. Its not just one of those low down angst ridden days, or period of days. People are bashing me down into those awful, painful moments. When reading this on the outside its easy to think, or even tell me to not them get to me. But its hard. Its so fucking hard. I don't know what to do. My life has turned into an awful game of dominos. (the fake kind that you push over) First it was my family, then some of my friends and today my teacher. The one person I thought would always listen, yelled at me for something i asked he to do. I don't even know what to fucking do anymore. I just want to screw it all and walk away but I can't quite do that. One place is my house, and the other the ones that I thought I could always turn to, express my opinion but I guess I was wrong. And the third if I don't go I'll fail and then if I do fail I'd be deeper in trouble at home and it'd probably just start the dominos on another awful level. I don't know why anyone's mad. I didn't do anything intentionally, and if I did I'd like to know so I can fix it. If it's because I've been quite and kept to myself its just because I can't carry out a normal conversation without CRYING. One of us says something like family, friends, brother, morning, mother, my house or stress I will cry. And theres nothing I can do to stop. If you're reading this and you want to know more, just ask me straight out. Everyone in the school of whom I see everyday, even just in the hallway has seen me cry so its nothing speacial. I'd like to end with a poem I wrote in class.

What if the world was blind for a day?

Enclosed in total darkness,

Other senses coming into effect.

Unaware sight would return,

Grasping for basic needs.

Understanding what others feel.

Unable to fight.

Becoming aware,

Recalling happy colorful times into memory.

Not sure what to do,

Able to sit and think.

Unable to work.

Families concerned grow closer together.

When sight returns,

Seeds of peace will have been planted.

Colors seeming more vibrant.

The simpliest sketches works of art,

And everyone more appreciative of what they see and know.

If I had one wish I would indeed

Wish for the world to be blind.

Sort of dumb. But its how I'm feeling right now. Peace.

Macho Phases

We both boys and girls, go through phases where we try and out do everyone else by being loud, cocky and pretty much doing what everyone else does only "better". Lately I've been baking alot, just because I felt like it. But my little brother is probably going through the most macho phase recorded in history. (It's sort of entertaining) But because of this, of course he had to try and out do me. Which isn't a big deal, I was just messing around in the kitchen with vegetarian sand whiches. But he decided to make sushi. It turned out akright, not particularly bad, but not nessicarily good. It was frankly hillarious, he was walking aroung the kitchen talking in his -oh lets just call it- His man voice. When he trys to out do when trying to outdo others. He lowers his voice and walks around making wise-as jokes. Fun stuff. But thats all for now... Peace.