Teenage Angst.

For once I am insaningly angry. I'm not crying like I normally do. I just want to punch someone in the face. HARD. I'm not mad at anyone really. Its just weird. I feel the sudden need to go and punch something. Or kick. I think I'll stay away from my bathroom wall this time. Although when that foot sized hole happened it was a crying thing. Too much teenage angst is filling my head to really manage writing much else. I want to vent as to why I'm mad but all of the sudden I'm not mad any more. I REALLY want to go swimming. Well. I guess thats what it's like to be a teenager. Awkward, awful and full of suprises. :)

Two Simple Thoughts

I updated my playlist. As you can probably tell. But I am pretty much in love with Scooter. (They have like six songs on my not-so-big playlist.) In my opinion, they are comparable to that of the B52's, the way the main dude sounds when he's singing. Its more of a sing-talk sort of thing. Plus they remix old songs in to a more techno thing. Its way cool and I strongly encourage you to look them up. :)

In addition to that. Lately I have really been wanting a hug! Not a friend hug, just like a good hug from someone who doesn't nessicarily have the socail "reponsibility" to do so. That'd be nice. So if anyone who's reading this is in need of a hug like I am, lets meet up and we can hug.(This could easily be wrongly interpreted) Don't know me, who I am, where I live or how to reach me? Sucks to be you. I'm not going to hug someone I met over the internet. Sorry. I want to go into detail about my imagintation and I's latest sexual intercourse experience, but it's sort of girly and a waste of time to explain. But I can say one thing about it. River = Epic.

Well I guess there are three thoughts to put here... But I just got a text from 'Liza and lost my train of thought. Don't you hate it when that happens?

So I guess thats the 2.5 thought sequences I've been having that I wanted to share.

The Imagination Issue

So... In case you haven't heard, I divorced my imagination. (Sounds like I've finally cracked, doesn't it?) I should explain this metaphor-ic (is metaphoric an actual word?) divorce (I guess I didn't really need the ic, did I?) Anyways, my imagination and I were too close for it to be safe for me. We really were becoming like that married couple that cannot function when the other one is not within in site. It was bad. But. I was, and am, so tired of letting my imagination getting ahold of me and me being so let down when what happened in my head actually happen. And, even though I love my imagination so much, I had to divorce it. But its not like one of the offical divorces, where both come out hating each other. Metaphorically, we still screw each other rather frequently. (ALL THE TIME) But now there's no heavy relliance. Along with divorcing my imagination, I decided to expect the worse or nothing from everyone. Sounds awful, working out brillantly. Everytime something happens that isn't the worse I'm pleasantly suprised. Which is pretty cool. Well I sound absolutely insane... But. I guess thats who I am at this point. :)

Developements in Motion

So, I know all teenagers, all people even are constiantly changing. It's all a learning expirence. I get that. But are we remebered for who we are or who we're becoming. I don't understand that. When people I've gone to elementary school with think of me, do they see the crying second grader or the current Josie? In fact when I think of myself which do I think of? Maybe, just because I've know myself the longest, and the best I would see it all. All of the memories and expirences that have molded and shaped my being into who I am. So maybe, to myself, I am a more well rounded, well thought out person that I come off to be. I don't think I care what people think of me, or rather not as much as some do. Admittidly, we all care in some form. And I am no exception to this. But I don't think its nessicarily bad to want to know. (I guess curosity and caring vary from person to person, so to some I may be caring what people think, or I may be simply curious as to what people are thinking. But to me being curious would count as caring. Not nessicarily on the same scale but caring nonetheless.) For me, I'm not even sure how I think what I think of people. I think my thoughts are generally self centered and the thoughts I have about people are based off of the expirences I have directly and indirectly had with that person. It's a difficult concept to wrap one's mine around... Maybe this isn't as complicated as I think it is and it's merely my thoughts that are so complex.... Who knows?

Just Thoughts I Guess...

Why are some people so mean? Is it really that hard to be nice? I guess at times there are logical reasons to be mean, but seriously. Maybe just take the stick out of your ass and calm down. (This isn't really going to anyone in particular.) Who knows. I don't know if I think bad days cut it out to be mean. Well I guess if someone died.... Maybe... Being nice doesn't take that much effort.....

Why do hormones just not make sense? They should. Or I should be able to read minds or teleport or something. Because I miss him. And I don't know it I should or not... But I still do. Who knows if he misses me though. (Watch as he reads my blog for the first time and stumbles upon this little angst-ridden observation.)

Why does everyone strive for this "perfect" sense of self? Isn't it our flaws that make us unique and human even? I guess there's no harm in trying to be a better person. Whether that be through doing well in school or helping other people. Whatever. But why do people try and spend time with people they don't like just for the sake of being "one of them" even if it makes them miserable?

Maybe I'm missing some gaint hunk of information as to why people do these things, or maybe you're equally lost within the world as I am.

Debate Camp

I've been in Walla Walla Washington, at a three week debate camp. Tomorrow's the close of the actual camp and then I come back to Utah. I guess thats all I really have to say. Well except distance really sucks. Other than that I'll blog later... I guess?

Actions.

Mine haven't been so smart lately.
My skin is crawling with hatred and anger towards myself.
I'm just not quite ready to let go.
But I guess I will have to be forced to do that.
Everyone's been mean to everyone;
and now, maybe we all feel as awful as I do.
Maybe not.
Who knows?
But I now know that I'm sorry as hell.
Forgiveness is needed, but won't be granted.
I owe apologies, and they've been said.
But forgiveness and second chances are hard to come by.
And often enough in the case of me,
Are
Never
Granted.
Possibly I'm still mad.
Mad that I can't express myself.
I want to be understood.
But its hard to understand one,
Who still doesn't quite understand themself.
Its like trying to grab ahold
Of
The
Wind.
Impossible.
Frustrating.
Painful.
Pain on both sides.
Pain everywhere.
Collasping.
Gasping for air.
Drifting off into a deep sleep.
Darkness encloses the world.
In darkness there is nothing.
And finding nothing,
There is peace.

And this is the roller coaster that exists to be my life.

Thought That Have Appeared Lately

These aren't in a particular order.

-When packing two things became apparent, one: I cannot pack to save my life, two: three weeks is longer than I had thought.

-Looking at my fish bowl, I can't help but wonder, do fish get lonely?

-My co-worker is an extremely awesome person. I probably shouldn't be so fond of him.

-While at work, I realized I was extra happy there.

-While playing Mario Kart Wii I realized if I where to buy the game nothing would ever get done.

-I think I will really really miss all of my co-workers, and I don't want two of them to leave.

-While carrying out a few of my random actions through out the day, I realize I do alot of the things I do just because I'm bored and I can.

-I really do have some trust issues I should work on.

-Three weeks seems like a long time to be away from work.

-In five months I'll be able to drive... Legally.

-I don't have to eat as much as I used to. I'm probably not growing anymore which is fine by me.

-I don't really know who reads this.

-I've fallen into a routine and I'm happy with it.

-How could I have woken up at 6:30 after staying up until midnight?

-I hate hormones

-Richards a funny name for an asian. (wow, I'm pretty racist.)

-Death Cab for Cutie is amazing live.

-Do fish feel stressed out the same way I do?

-I want to hug my goldfish. He, although named Josie (So my parents won't miss me, he's my subsitute) looks sad and nervous.

There have been more thats just all I am thinking right now. I guess I'll blog again once I get the chance. :)

Insert Title

So working at Discovery Gateway has turned out to be one of the most enjoyable things I have ever done. Yesterday alone I learned how to make posters. Like the REALLY nice ones with foam backs and everything! Sort of an odd thing to get excited about. But other than learning cool things like that, the entire building works like a family. Everyone is happy and nice and they all rely on each other, not just one person. And I'm merging into that sort of circle of trust. And I even get my own computer on Wensdays. Pretty sweet. I even enjoy sorting through coupons. And its cool to know that even though for the most part I'm behind scences, I get to help my fellow employees have a nice day at work, I also get to help kids and their families have a nice day they'll probably remember for awhile to come. And that feels pretty good. Although its not exactlly a warm fuzzy feeling I was expecting (Sorry about that bitch and moan blog) I still come home from work with a smile on my face. Well I've got to get back to cleaning my room but I just thought I'd share this. Peace.

48

Well. Facebook once again has brought up many thoughts. We can all add in the groups such as "End Child Abuse!" or "Feed Starving Children With A Click!" or "Lets end puppy mills FOREVER!!!!". But its not going to make a difference. But how are we supposed to exactlly make a difference? I've done fourty eight hours of service and I still don't feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Or even that I made an impression. Its fun. But not life changing like its brought out to be. And I've done more than the people, (well sort of just a few in particular, but just in case we'll not put any names here. Don't worry, if you're reading this it's probably not you. And if you really are THAT concerned feel free to text me and ask.) who add these little groups which mean nothing and most likely the ones who've created them. So why do they feel a sense of accomplishment and I feel nothing? I feel the exact same. I'm enjoying all the service that I have done don't get me wrong, there's just no warm fuzzy, making a differnce feeling. It fell short of expectations. Is this how everything will end up? Just falling short of how its expected to be? Is life just like learing that there's no Santa only continually? Maybe, just maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm looking in all the wrong places for a warm fuzzy feeling.

Moderate Spelling Errors

So... These are some different philosophies I have written... I hope you enjoy them.

"If we took away all things bought by people to define their sense of self, would there be anyone left?"

WE: World as a whole and/or one.

TOOK AWAY: Temporarily removed

ALL THINGS BOUGHT: hair dye, plastic surgery, clothes, homes, art supplies, etc. (and although jobs are not bought they would fall into this definition as well.)

DEFINE THEIR SENSE OF SELF: actions taken to give one a sense of individuality.

PEOPLE: world's population

IF and WOULD: display hypothetical situation

ANYONE: individuals

LEFT: remaining

I encourage you to think about this and come to your own decision but here are some of my thoughts on this. (all of which are one hundred percent my own. PLEASE DO NOT COPY THESE UNLESS YOU GIVE ME FULL CREDIT.)

I personally cannot imagine a world without a way to hold my own thoughts and read others. (pens, paper, books)

Some create with words, through writing (pens, paper) or music (insturments). Others create with colors and sences (paint, art supplies, cameras, and so on). And others simply do not create. Would those, (the ones who do not identify themselves with a certain brand or something along those lines) be the ones who remain? I suppose children also would indeed remain, for what other children wear or look like matters not to them. Unless they are taught so. So does this mean that only innocent children and those who have no creativity will remain?

Here is another theory I came up with.

Going through trail and triumph both, we achieve on mandatory thing for life. Creativity. Meaning behind flowing words, colorful pictures would become unattainable without both trail and triumph. Trail, because without struggle, frustration, and all else that follows trail, we could not achieve triumph. And therefore, no knowing of beauty or happiness. Without triumph, there would be no trail, therefore no known emotions. Without knowing emotions, we find ourselves in a grey area. Not knowing pain or happiness we would not be aware of the lifeless situation we are in. But, because trail in a life will not fade, and from trail comes triumph, there is no fear of this, unless it becomes forced. When in this grey area an individual would not be able to feel anything. This concept would appear tourchourous to you or I, but to them it would be the norm. Or normal to us if we were there. And without emotions creativity would be unnattianable. We could easily paint what we see, but why it would matter would become unfigurable. Therefore taking away the true meaning of creativity.

And here are some thoughts on what it means to hate:

Is it truly out of human nature to be peaceful? Or are we taught to hate one another? Are violence and hate learned or perhaps even forced behaviors?

LEARNED/TAUGHT: By what is set up and shown

FORCED: By actions of others resulting in resentment of such people.

If taught, why does it carry such passion?

When learned perhaps it results in an almost false passion, or falso predijuce. This is because when taught to hate, it is always from a baised person. And when a biased person teaches another their views it most likely will rub off onto them. And because the majority population does not think for itself, it is easy to teach hate.

Or perhaps it is just a combination of both.

If we all see the wrong in wars and fighting why do we stand aside and let it continue?

And finally, a few scattered thoughts on parenting. These are just barely starting to form. The main concept came from a man, I do not know his name, but I give him credit for this:

"If you ever have kids the secert is to never be in a rush"

Childhood really ought to be a time of free running bliss and a guiding eye of freedom.

Thats all for now.

Poem #1

Log in,

Log out.

Look for something,

Finding nothing.

A need for communication grows,

Not caring who.

Wanting of change,

Growing for that inside.

A need, a thrist,

To get away.

To be done.

Mentally wary.

Fed up.

Physically stuck.

Wanting to close off.

Everything.

Re-Learn senses.

Hitting the ground running.

But,

My legs fail.

And I am stuck.

My Summer

Well, my last blog was pretty angst ridden. But thats what being a teen is about. Making irrational desisons based on angsty emotions. So don't worry about me. I'm a normal angsty hormone-y teen. But my summer has been pretty intense. I had one week after school ended to fully adjust into summer mode. Only not quite. Within that week Gracie left for Mexico, Tess to California and if I forgot where some one else left off to I'm sorry! But the next week I started doing service for East's 2009 Kid's Theatre Camp. It's one of the most difficult things I have done. I work with small, elementary school kids teaching them both normal theatre and musical theatre. It's really hard. But it'll bring me one step closer to law school. It goes on through this week, ending Thursday night after their final preformance. (It's at six at East High School, anyone who's free reallt ought to come and see it. It'll be interesting to see what all of our hard work amounts to.) But anyways, this Friday begins the Annual Arts Festival. I'll be working in the kid's corner, so if you go by there come and visit me while I teach little kids art and play with glitter. All three days. Like ten to four. Or was it eleven? Well anyways that's where I'll be. This probably isn't the best idea to be posting this online... But after this weekend I go to Sun Valley far a week. Then the day after I get back Gracie's back! But I'm only in town then for six days, then I leave for debate camp for three weeks. And after that nothing's planned out. The end. For now.

The Many Josies

Hello again. I guess I sort of haven't blogged alot lately. I don't have much to say, but also at the same time I do? I guess that must not make very much sense... Thats ok. I think I'll just blurt out my thoughts. Do you ever have those days where either everythings spinning insaningly fast or terribly slow? My life has sort of been like that. I don't know if its good or bad. But there have always been different Josies and somehow they've been able to keep themselves straight and know which one is the real Josie. But lately its been getting harder. The lines of Josie are starting to blur and she, or they are confused. I think that it may be because of the mental block that she's, or rather I have set up. I look at my life as a third person, not through my own eyes. I can't really help that everythings been blocked out. Its just something I've always done. When, its subconcouis, I can't handle emotional aspects I pull out. There are two stages of this, one is where the crazy, out-there-more-than-usual-one who laughs at things that aren't funny in the least to cover up tears, and then there's the quite one. Thats when things are really bad. The quite one is trying to dig deep to find some sort of emotion, this one always feels like vomiting. Always. No one really like this one. She has the exact oppisite emotions of how one of her friends put it. She doesn't see just the flaws in people, she sees everything they are. Every last little detail. And all she can see in herself is the flaws. Or she sees reality for the cold harsh truth it is. How everyone says drama sucks but it spreads like wild fire and all she can do is keep from crying. But there still is no sincere emotions... Just gray zones. She doesn't want to be a pity case with everyone asking if it was them, or if there's anything they could do. She just wants to be blown away into the wind. Maybe thats the real Josie. The real me, and everything else is just acting. Save your breath, don't comment, don't bring it up. You just needed to know.

Cravings and Needs

I feel that often enough when I need something, I find myself craving it, wether it be food, water, love, or writing, not only do I need this things I crave them. Lately I have been craving two things. Love and writing. So to sum it up easily we can just settle on the statement that I was a really horny author stuck on writers block. Well one of those was solved. I'm still horny. I'm probably one of the worst girls to ever walk the planet when it comes to that matter... But I think I'll share about my writers block. It sucked. It lasted for like two months and thats really bad for me. Like really really. Writing is my way of safetly letting go of my emotions, but by having writers block I couldn't do that and it was killing me. I already suffer from deppression (I don't see the point in lying about it, its there so I may as well not hide it.) so when my one way of indirectly venting and sharing my emotions is taken away it doesn't feel very good. At all. It's like I'm suffocating. But its back so no worries! Now I'm just craving time to write down all the stories and thoughts swarmming in my heads. This feeling is so much better than lust, because I don't have to count on another person for it! It's like magic!!!! But it doesn't really solve my horny issue.... I'll have to work on that but for now thats it so....
Peace.

Long Time

I guess I haven't really blogged in a long time. Its not that I don't have anything to say, but I guess I just sort of feel that if you see me if you haven't noticed, heard or bothered to ask, I don't see the point in telling you. Same of I know you but don't see you, its not that hard to text back once and awhile. And if you don't know me at all, telling you is a waste of time. But I sort of guess it woudn't hurt to share a little with you. I've been hurting and its been bad. Its not just one of those low down angst ridden days, or period of days. People are bashing me down into those awful, painful moments. When reading this on the outside its easy to think, or even tell me to not them get to me. But its hard. Its so fucking hard. I don't know what to do. My life has turned into an awful game of dominos. (the fake kind that you push over) First it was my family, then some of my friends and today my teacher. The one person I thought would always listen, yelled at me for something i asked he to do. I don't even know what to fucking do anymore. I just want to screw it all and walk away but I can't quite do that. One place is my house, and the other the ones that I thought I could always turn to, express my opinion but I guess I was wrong. And the third if I don't go I'll fail and then if I do fail I'd be deeper in trouble at home and it'd probably just start the dominos on another awful level. I don't know why anyone's mad. I didn't do anything intentionally, and if I did I'd like to know so I can fix it. If it's because I've been quite and kept to myself its just because I can't carry out a normal conversation without CRYING. One of us says something like family, friends, brother, morning, mother, my house or stress I will cry. And theres nothing I can do to stop. If you're reading this and you want to know more, just ask me straight out. Everyone in the school of whom I see everyday, even just in the hallway has seen me cry so its nothing speacial. I'd like to end with a poem I wrote in class.

What if the world was blind for a day?

Enclosed in total darkness,

Other senses coming into effect.

Unaware sight would return,

Grasping for basic needs.

Understanding what others feel.

Unable to fight.

Becoming aware,

Recalling happy colorful times into memory.

Not sure what to do,

Able to sit and think.

Unable to work.

Families concerned grow closer together.

When sight returns,

Seeds of peace will have been planted.

Colors seeming more vibrant.

The simpliest sketches works of art,

And everyone more appreciative of what they see and know.

If I had one wish I would indeed

Wish for the world to be blind.

Sort of dumb. But its how I'm feeling right now. Peace.

Macho Phases

We both boys and girls, go through phases where we try and out do everyone else by being loud, cocky and pretty much doing what everyone else does only "better". Lately I've been baking alot, just because I felt like it. But my little brother is probably going through the most macho phase recorded in history. (It's sort of entertaining) But because of this, of course he had to try and out do me. Which isn't a big deal, I was just messing around in the kitchen with vegetarian sand whiches. But he decided to make sushi. It turned out akright, not particularly bad, but not nessicarily good. It was frankly hillarious, he was walking aroung the kitchen talking in his -oh lets just call it- His man voice. When he trys to out do when trying to outdo others. He lowers his voice and walks around making wise-as jokes. Fun stuff. But thats all for now... Peace.

Earlier

That blog was pretty angst ridden. I'm better now.

And So It Becomes Oblivious That I Am Indeed, A Bitch

Ok, so to make long story short, this morning my mom and I got into a pretty bad fight. It was over how by myself waking up late I ruined everyone else's day including her's, my dad's and the people I carpool with. Well cutting out quite alot of sarcastic remarks and yelling we arrived at school on time and slightly early. She then gave her first attempt to apologize by saying "Good bye sweet heart! Have a nice day!" Even after I had made another sarcastic remark about how we were on time. I slammed the door and wlaked out of the car without looking back. Through out the day I managed to be and emotional, teary wreck, lashing out at everyone and being a flat out bitch. One guy who was bothering my friend, not to mention getting on my nerves, was chosen to be lashed out at. I said something along the lines of "Is your ego really that big" Or is your dick really that small?" Not very nice I know. Well after school my mom made three attempts to get me to stop being mad. First she walked in the door with a smile on her face and said hello to my friends and I in her best sing song voice. I did not once so much as glance her way. The second attempt was as my last friend was leaving. My mom got offered to go to some classical concert. She wanted me to come. Instead of accepting this apology I cooly said "Thanks but, no. I might end up running late and screwing everything up." I truly am and was still mad. Then I went into the computer room and started this blog entry. She came in, while I quickly switched pages so she wouldn't read over my shoulder, and took one last shot. She plugged in her phone, I'm pretty thats the only reason she actually came in. But she made the remark that she was sorry she was so upthight this morning. I said it was ok. Now its over and I lost. And the worst part is, I am still mad. Firey, burning mad. I am irritated at everyone. I am being mean to everyone and it doesn't feel good. I'm not just mad at my mom, I'm mad at the boy I like for ot caring, I'm mad at people for being careless and I'm mad at my friends for not noticing. And the last ones the worst. I shouldn't be mad at them. I shouldn't be mad at any one. But only one person has fucking noticed. I think that I may have even told them. If you haven't noticed you don't deserve to know. So don't even bother to ask.

Don't Jump To Conclusions. Don't Judge Me.

Ok. So its been almost an hour or two since my last post, I don't pay attention to time. And two days before the last one. I don't get it. It's like times paused, but then when I look back everything has zoomed by. Everything lately has been blurred into one memory. Ask me what I did on Sunday? I can't remember. I don't do drugs or any of that for my own personal beliefs, but if I did it would explain alot. There are two ways I can explain this odd sensation. Its like I'm drowning waiting for someone to pull me out, or I'm falling waiting for someone to catch me. Everythings being blurred into one color, one taste, one sound, one feeling(physically), one emotion. I don't know why. If it was a beautiful color, I'd be ok, but its the color of greenish mud. If it was a scrumpitous taste, I could bear it, but its almost as if I'm sick and there's snot sliding down my throat. If it was a peacful sound, I'd deal, but its like an alarm clock that doesn't have a snooze button constantly playing in my head. If it was warm and safe, like being held, I'd be grateful, but I ache, I am always cold now. Always. And my emotions have fused into one, leaving me confused. And now, I end with this, should human needs be put first?

And So The Dreamer Stopped Dreaming

I haven't been blogging for awhile. Or at least it seems like it. I could quickly switch pages to see exactly how long its been but that takes, well, effort. But yesterday, I think, yes yesterday, I went back to my elementary school. I went and visited two of the three tecahers that made a difference in my childhood life. And its safe to say, it was disappointing. Not nessicarily them, but the memories I've carried, they were all from a childs veiwpoint. I guess I never really thought about that. A child doesn't acknowledge that "grown-ups" are just people. But when you go back, knowing more, the people you still remembered as super heros, are just people. Its not that they have flaws, well thats not exactly it, but rather you see they're just people like you or I. You notice the screechy tone in their voice, you notice that they don't care as much as you once thought they did, and then you realize, that maybe everything from your childhood is remembered like this. Maybe the world is just how it is, and its not that people are nicer to children they just live in oblivian. And maybe thats how dreams are. Like aspiring to win things, once you get there is it really that great? Don't you just start onto the next award or prize? And if we do take in these moments, they're just like the childhood ones. Well, now you know whats on my mind. Well, peace.

Relationships

I don't want a relationship. I just want someone to care, but also be more than a friend? It's not that I miss being with someone, I just miss being held, feeling their heartbeat against mine, their voice whispering secrets into my ear... This is so romantic... Yuck. But just so we're clear I'm going to fill you in on a little more. Isn't a relationship the only way you can truly make sure that person cares? Well, not nessicarily care but, I guess there are no guarentees on whether or not someone actually cares for you, or if it's just lust. And if one person cares for the other, and the other's just lustful, people get hurt. And that sucks. So I guess all is fair in love and war. But maybe the real question is, which is which? Just one more thing relating to this, for those of you who have or do like me, I'm weird, I really only want what I can't have. So I set myself up to get hurt and it's bad but I can't help it, its always been like this. So please don't take offense if I don't like you back. I probably value you too much as a friend to bare the idea of losing you. And Just for those of you who don't know, the whole we can still be friends after this is done with is bull. Alot of it. That never ever will work out. EVER. But speaking of losing friends, which I'm terrified of, four of my closest friends are leaving. They'll be back I just don't want them to leave. And thats selfish of me I know, they're going to do what they love in a once in a lifetime adventure, but I can't handle the idea of them leaving. But for now thats all I'm going to say about that. So lets all grab hands and go on the roller coaster that will be and is our lives together. Peace.

Recycled Paper: Recycled Thoughts

Its weird to think that the paper I use to write on, is recycled into new paper that could be in my hands. I wrote thoughts and stories then, and I am writing thoughts and stories now. What if its not only the paper thats recycled? But our thoughts too? Not that our thoughts are on a continus reel, but more of, they're the same but more developed. If you think about it, it could be. When we want something, we come up with an old plan more developed "to better fit" the situation. But, in sense, aren't they the same thoughts that we've always had? Sure there are new people in our thoughts, new places and maybe a few new sensations. But is it really that different from those we've had in the past? Could the human mind possibly hold so many new thoughts? What if when all the new thoughts come in all the old ones just well, fall out? We can't possibly keep them all could we? I know that the bad one's are always crystal clear until they eventually get blocked out... but the good ones seem to fade quicker... Maybe I'm losing my mind I'll blog more later. Peace.

Sun Valley

Sorry that I haven't blogged in quite some time. It's Spring Break and I've been busy in Idaho. I'll blog more once I come home which is tomorow. But for now since everyone's relaxing in starbucks there are a few things of which I would like to share with you. One: I'm excited for Queer Prom! (This is so girly *Yuck* But thats ok its just something to look forward to) Two: I stopped taking my antidepressants a coulpe weeks ago. Lets hope my Mom doesn't read this. But the best part is, I've been happy. Truly happy. Just for clarification for those who don't know I've had deppression all my life, its not a big deal its just always been there. And I suppose to some extent always will be. But I stopped taking it because it took away my ability to be able to feel anything. I just felt like an emotionless drone but now all the emotions I'm having are real and its, well, refreshing. It's really fun to be able to have real non-controlled emothions so don't take them for granted. But for now thats it more later. Peace.

Scene

This is the Scene I wrote for drama if you wanted to read it...

Girl is sitting on curb, ideal setting would consist of rain. Man walks by on side walk, glance down, keeps walking. Then he turns and stops for a double take. And so, our scene begins.

Rich Man: It's been A long time.



Poor Girl: I suppose it has been.



Man helps her up by taking both her hands. For a moment they exchange glances, the girl looking almost abandoned, as if holding back tears, the man's gaze filled with disgust.



Rich Man: Look what's become of you.



Poor Girl: I am not ashamed of what I have become. You how ever seem to be very much embarassed.



Rich Man: When did you stop caring?



Poor Girl: It wasn't I who stopped caring.



Rich Man: You think I had a choice?



Poor Girl: holding back tears of frustration Of course you had a choice! You, you could have stayed. You could have stayed, just a little longer to see what could have happened to us.



Rich Man: I was just a boy!



Poor Girl: I was just a girl! But I seemed more prepared to face what we had created.



Rich Man: What do you mean?



Poor Girl: I was pregnant. You just left me.



Rich Man: I had no idea... I'm so sorry I should have never left you...



Poor Girl: bitterly You only say that because you know.



Rich Man: I loved you... I still love you. I should have never left. I still love you.



Poor Girl: You want me to believe that after you left me? You only love me because of the child that os no more.



Rich Man: Don't you care about me?



Once again he grabs her hand, leaning in as if with the intent to kiss her. She, however looks bewildered. She pulls away slapping his hand.



Poor Girl: Don't touch me. It'd be best if you'd leave now.



Rich Man: looks up and down the street Where do you live?

Poor Girl: It doesn't matter. Just leave.

Rich Man: Please, just give me another chance. Please, come and stay with me, just for awhile, until you get back on your feet.

Poor Girl: Stop pretending I know you married her. Leave.

The man walks away, the girl sits back down upon the curb and begins to sob.

Tonight

Tonight my mom has her book group over for a dinner. I rather enjoy these women, but I'm not really supposed to come upstairs and mignle about with them. I am supposed to be downstairs with my dad and brother but I think I will stowe away in our computer room for awhile. One of the great things that comes from my mom's book group meeting is that for the next few days we will have AMAZING leftovers. I am already looking forward to lunch tomorow. Although I'll end up eating it in the locker room after gym like I always do but thats ok. That means I won't have to share. But anyways I've been thinking alot lately about some certain things. It's probably just things that teenagers do, or at least thinking about them. I wonder if I make myself understandable when it comes to the topic of drugs. Although I would never do them myself, mainly because I don't want to end up like some of my relatives who cannot stop and have lost everything to their addiction I'm not exactly opposed to other people using them. In fact I don't think it truly bothers me in any way. I don't mind if some one wants to hang out when they're high, as long as they're not mean when they are. (I've seen that happen) But also at the same time, I feel like I should advise people to stop. I don't want them to get hurt. I don't even know why I care so much. I've just seen the extremes of what that stuff can do and it scares me that some of my friends could be headed down that same path. Sometimes I wonder if they themselves have truly seen these horrible fates. I guess what this means is that if I encourage you to not do these things it means I care. It may not make perfectly clear what I mean, because if its what you have to do to get away then you should, but in moderation and with people that wouldn't hurt you. But at the same time every fiber in my bodies screaming at me to stop whoever is going to do it, "They might get hurt, remember what happened?!" I'm not just writing these things so people will like me, or think I'm "chill" or whatever; this is truly how lost I am in this situation... I want to help but mostly I want to trust people not to get hurt. But I trusted before and it didn't end very well. So if you're one of the people who are into this kind of thing, just know, I'm not sure whats going through my head either....

Sponge.

Today was a good day, although I now wish I was like a sponge and could just suck up all the pain and negative emotions all my friends face. But there is no way I can, all I can do is listen and sympathize. Which, personally I find very stressfull. But there is one highlight about my day that I would like to share, today in drama, I wrote a scene. At first I didn't realize the proximity of what I had created, but as soon as Emma alerted me that the main female character was a prostitute, ideas began to boil inside of me. It was a wonderful feeling. I made my drama teacher read it, he looked and me then back upon the paper and said "Although I am certain that some people would argue that this is not age appropriate for a ninth grader to write, yet alone act, I'm going to let it be. This is beautiful." Thats saying alot coming from him. ('speacally 'cause he's a homophob) Once its handed back to me I'll type it up here for you all to see. But now I am off to sleep.

All A Kid Wants

Today, after my upset blog I wrote at Gracie's we went outside into the sun. I love being outside, but we lay in the sun, me just in my underwear and absorbed vitamin D. In case you don't know vitamin D's what makes you happy so I cheered up. Then I had to go to my 8-year-old cousin's birthday party, which ended up being pretty fun. (I got to drive both ways) But when she was opening up herpresents, I became rather jealous. I wanted smencils. (thy're just like pencils only they smell like fruit! Cool right?!) And then it donned on me, in so many ways I'm still a kid. I'm sure we all are, maybe we just don't talk about it. It's not that I'm a full on kid, like mentally, its just I still love toys, playing on swings, ect. I personally don't think it's a bad thing, I can be mature, well I guess I am, but how cool would it be to have my drawings smell like fruit?! very. Thats all for now.

School

I hate school. I know everyone does but... When you walk into the building does it bring you to tears? Didn't think so, but if it does we should start a club or something... But evertime I walk into that god foresaken building part of my soul DIES. Its not so much the learning I hate, in fact, as nerdy as that sounds, but its enlighting. Anyways I'm not sure what I hate about it. Maybe its because I have to listen to everyone bitch about the homework and how little sleep they got the night before. WERE ALL TIRED! I mean, if you stayed up untill 3am I'll listen but if you're just tired I don't really care. Well I do, just not today because I'm in a bitchy mood and I don't know why. I guess people just need to get over themselves and just bit they're lip... I guess I'm not one to talk, espically now. But I feel like I'm sufficating every time I'm within eyesite of the building. Well I don't now. I'll read this once I'm not in a bad mood and laugh at how spoiled I sound... Just wait. But if you're wondering, my faith in karma has been altered greatly. I don't think it exists anymore. So generally theres a peak in the storm that over shadows my week. like friday at school I couldn't stop crying. It wasn't just a few tears through out the day, it was uncontrollable spewing of tears. I couldn't stop. It was awful. I thought that would be the peak of the storm. (Wow if you just started reading this it'd sound like I was just talking about my period.) Boy, I was wrong. Today was just as bad. I didn't even smile. Which, if you don't know me says ALOT. I smile even when I'm not happy. At all. But today I didn't smile, well maybe like one or twice, but still. And I was pretty quite, I guess I only talk when I feel like I have something important to say or I'm nervous; but its still not that great I didn't talk. My friend keeps telling me that someone's gonna come and make everything feel better. I don't know if I believe this, I want to but, why now? And besides karma's not real there's nothing that will even it all out. But I'm going to go do other shit, but I want to leave something I said, mostly so I don't forget, but here goes nothing. "I want to laugh at the irony of it all, but cry in despair."

Another Thought Time With Josie!

So I was thinking, some readers, the few that there are, by now my be thinking "Josie why do you spend so much time on your blog when you could be outside doing wonderful things?" And they may go as far as to list some of the numerous activities I could be taking apart in. Well there are two answers to this question, the first is that I do take part in wonderful activities through out the day, but my parents make me come home. And while I am home instead of lying on the couch watching tv or listening to music, I have decided it may be a better use of my time to share my thoughts, although they may not be very important. And second karma's a bitch. I have horrible karma. I haven't really done anything but because karma's such a bitch, it finds pleasure in nipping at my heels and overly punnishing me in my daily activities. And because this is neuteral karma could make up no reason to spite me. (Yes, I do very much believe in karma.) So although the voices that take place in my head for you, my readers asked quite politely if I had any friends or not, I do. I just barely started to blog, well yesterday, so I'm pretty positive I only say so much because it's new. Give it a week or so and new posts will become rather rare. Well I'm going to go and see if my Dad will take me driving so peace.

Eggs and My Dad

So since I'm stuck at home until my mom comes home from spin class, or decides to answer her phone, I think I might waste some irreplaceable time on my blog. I'm going to regret this on my death bed. But anyways, I was just thinking about breakfast. Not sure why, but I was. So every morning my dad makes me eat breakfast, which isn't too bad, except when he makes eggs. My dad's a great guy, and a good cook don't get me wrong, but for the life of him he cannot make eggs. Have you ever had burnt eggs? I have. My dad enjoys making over easy and scrambled, which are my favorite, but, he can't cook eggs... at all... I think part of the problem is that he won't use butter or olive oil on the pan, because, they're not as healthy as the spray stuff. Can't remeber the name right now. Thats ok. But what happens is the eggs don't cook like they're supposed too. You know how over easy eggs are usually pretty buttery? Imagine over easy eggs without being cooked in oil or butter thats what I eat every other morning or so. They do this weird thing, where the first layer turns brown. It tastes like how I would imagine burnt paper with cat piss on it to taste. The scrambled eggs do it too. And also because its unhealthy, my dad won't put any salt on them. Although sometimes he'll drench them in ketchup, I HATE ketchup. Its like I can feel the corn syrup in it sliding down my throat. Its gross. By now you're probably wondering "Josie, if you hate the eggs your dad makes so much why don't you ask him to make something else?" Funny thing. I would, but because I'm a vegetarian, my dad makes me eat it, because supposidly I'm going to die from lack of protien in my diet. Added to that, he thinks I have an eating disorder, I know its because he cares, but my metabolisim isn't the same as his so I'm not as hungry as much or as quickly. But my mom walked in so I'll write more later.

Rambling... Again

The second I turn sixteen and get my license, I'm either driving to some far off place or living out of my car. Which, by the way, I drove yesterday for the first time and I sdin't kil anyone! Yay Josie!! We also got new hubcaps for the tires and learned that seat covers don't work in the back of my car. I should probably tell you what kind of car it is. It's a 1990 Subaru Legacy Sudan, so its older than me but its a good car. It gets 33 mpg highway, which is awesome! Everyone's paying like thirty thousand or whatever so they can get good mileage and my dad got my car for just a thousand. This car has been around since I can remember, its always been in my family. First it was my Great Grandmothers, then my Dads, then my Grandmas, and finnaly it went back and fourth between my Aunt and grandma for years, and now we don't really know who were suppose to give the money too. Just kidding, I guess that finnaly its mine. Which is funny because I don't exactly have a permit... I'm too lazy. But if I do live out of my car I'll go home sometimes, or to a friends so it won't be solid car time or whatever... But I guess its impossible for me to truly know right now. Want to know what blows my mind?! I guess you don't really have a choice, but I'll be able to drive next summer! I know, its not even summer now, but theres always been so much time before, but now its all surging down, its weird. Does anyone else feel like the school district puts a ton of pressure upon thier students to know what they want to be when thy're older? I do. Next time my consler asks I think I'll tell her I want to be a hooker. It'd be brillant. Watch as that be the one time she listens to me. The last time I met with her, she decided I was going to go to the U. NO FUCKING WAY!!! I hate Utah more than anything and I'm leaving as soon as I can, so all the meeting amounted up to was my consler and I arguing that the U's a good school, and that the U sucks. Pretty fun. Well, I lost. BIG time. But thats ok the school district is run by the government, and the governments corrupt... I think I'm going to go do more productive things for now... Bye? I guess?

Word Play

Society has this weird frame around "bad" words and "good" words. Words only have power if you give them power. Although some words need to be given power like hate and discrimination. But what about words like fuck shit and damn? People use these words for so many differnt reasons, but often enough for the wrong ones. Generally to look like a "bad-ass" or to express extreme rage or frusration. But why should these words hold some much more power over the others? The word couch and fuck are both made of letters, when you say "couch" no one thinks twice. But if you say "fuck", espically in Utah there are bound to be gasps. I use the "bad" words as just common words in my vocabulary. They are nouns, verbs and adjatives just like normal. But then why, do I bite my tongue around my family, after all they are just words, right? To me they are, but to them they are definite "bad" words. This is just because of the way society views them. Who exactly decided that these words were worse than hate? School children, even toddlers, barely learning to speak use hate almost everyday. But NEVER a single swear. And if they do, punnishment will follow quickly. But is this play on words that society has set up justified? Of course not. Hate, is the worst emotion or feeling a person could ever carry and yet children use it everyday "I hate you mom!" This is not right. Words like hate, aren't even bad words, what makes a word bad is the emotion that surronds it. Hate is a horrible emotion and this is what should be stressed across, if anything related to "bad" words and "good" words.

Pets

So I figured out something that might be important to know... I have had like eighty pets, 1 snake, 3 horses, 1 scorpian, 7 hampsters, 1 frog, 1 cat, and 2 parakeets. ALOT of fish, but I'm not going to count them. But everytime one of my pets die, someone I know dies. Every pet, (excluding fish) I can name a person who's died right after. Doubtful? So was my friend maria, she didn't believe me then my hampster died and then BOTH her grandparents died. Ask her, it's the honest to god truth. So when on of my pets die, watch out!

Another Shot

I read my friends blog, and they talked about things that made them, well them so maybe I'll try that. I love debate, more than life, if I couldn't debate I wouldn't go to school. EVER. I hate the way society is laid out, all of it. The government mainly. I guess its because in a sense it controls everything, sort of. Not me though. That sounds vain... I guess that might be part of why I suck at blogging. Its not that I give a shit what people think, I just want to be able to sound like me. I can't really do it through words very well. But anyways I hate being at my house so I guess I might try blogging when I lock myself in my room. (sounds emo right?) Now you probably understand that my thought sequene is all over th place... I like art, painting and sculpting mainly. Right now I don't have anything else to say something cool will eventually come... Or at least I hope my thought aren't so artifical and dull. I don't think they are but they might sound like that when put onto paper, or in the computer. Maybe I just can't put everything down at once....

First Blog

This is weird... I don't really know what to write, I'm sure something will eventually come, but for now this is it....