Earlier

That blog was pretty angst ridden. I'm better now.

And So It Becomes Oblivious That I Am Indeed, A Bitch

Ok, so to make long story short, this morning my mom and I got into a pretty bad fight. It was over how by myself waking up late I ruined everyone else's day including her's, my dad's and the people I carpool with. Well cutting out quite alot of sarcastic remarks and yelling we arrived at school on time and slightly early. She then gave her first attempt to apologize by saying "Good bye sweet heart! Have a nice day!" Even after I had made another sarcastic remark about how we were on time. I slammed the door and wlaked out of the car without looking back. Through out the day I managed to be and emotional, teary wreck, lashing out at everyone and being a flat out bitch. One guy who was bothering my friend, not to mention getting on my nerves, was chosen to be lashed out at. I said something along the lines of "Is your ego really that big" Or is your dick really that small?" Not very nice I know. Well after school my mom made three attempts to get me to stop being mad. First she walked in the door with a smile on her face and said hello to my friends and I in her best sing song voice. I did not once so much as glance her way. The second attempt was as my last friend was leaving. My mom got offered to go to some classical concert. She wanted me to come. Instead of accepting this apology I cooly said "Thanks but, no. I might end up running late and screwing everything up." I truly am and was still mad. Then I went into the computer room and started this blog entry. She came in, while I quickly switched pages so she wouldn't read over my shoulder, and took one last shot. She plugged in her phone, I'm pretty thats the only reason she actually came in. But she made the remark that she was sorry she was so upthight this morning. I said it was ok. Now its over and I lost. And the worst part is, I am still mad. Firey, burning mad. I am irritated at everyone. I am being mean to everyone and it doesn't feel good. I'm not just mad at my mom, I'm mad at the boy I like for ot caring, I'm mad at people for being careless and I'm mad at my friends for not noticing. And the last ones the worst. I shouldn't be mad at them. I shouldn't be mad at any one. But only one person has fucking noticed. I think that I may have even told them. If you haven't noticed you don't deserve to know. So don't even bother to ask.

Don't Jump To Conclusions. Don't Judge Me.

Ok. So its been almost an hour or two since my last post, I don't pay attention to time. And two days before the last one. I don't get it. It's like times paused, but then when I look back everything has zoomed by. Everything lately has been blurred into one memory. Ask me what I did on Sunday? I can't remember. I don't do drugs or any of that for my own personal beliefs, but if I did it would explain alot. There are two ways I can explain this odd sensation. Its like I'm drowning waiting for someone to pull me out, or I'm falling waiting for someone to catch me. Everythings being blurred into one color, one taste, one sound, one feeling(physically), one emotion. I don't know why. If it was a beautiful color, I'd be ok, but its the color of greenish mud. If it was a scrumpitous taste, I could bear it, but its almost as if I'm sick and there's snot sliding down my throat. If it was a peacful sound, I'd deal, but its like an alarm clock that doesn't have a snooze button constantly playing in my head. If it was warm and safe, like being held, I'd be grateful, but I ache, I am always cold now. Always. And my emotions have fused into one, leaving me confused. And now, I end with this, should human needs be put first?

And So The Dreamer Stopped Dreaming

I haven't been blogging for awhile. Or at least it seems like it. I could quickly switch pages to see exactly how long its been but that takes, well, effort. But yesterday, I think, yes yesterday, I went back to my elementary school. I went and visited two of the three tecahers that made a difference in my childhood life. And its safe to say, it was disappointing. Not nessicarily them, but the memories I've carried, they were all from a childs veiwpoint. I guess I never really thought about that. A child doesn't acknowledge that "grown-ups" are just people. But when you go back, knowing more, the people you still remembered as super heros, are just people. Its not that they have flaws, well thats not exactly it, but rather you see they're just people like you or I. You notice the screechy tone in their voice, you notice that they don't care as much as you once thought they did, and then you realize, that maybe everything from your childhood is remembered like this. Maybe the world is just how it is, and its not that people are nicer to children they just live in oblivian. And maybe thats how dreams are. Like aspiring to win things, once you get there is it really that great? Don't you just start onto the next award or prize? And if we do take in these moments, they're just like the childhood ones. Well, now you know whats on my mind. Well, peace.

Relationships

I don't want a relationship. I just want someone to care, but also be more than a friend? It's not that I miss being with someone, I just miss being held, feeling their heartbeat against mine, their voice whispering secrets into my ear... This is so romantic... Yuck. But just so we're clear I'm going to fill you in on a little more. Isn't a relationship the only way you can truly make sure that person cares? Well, not nessicarily care but, I guess there are no guarentees on whether or not someone actually cares for you, or if it's just lust. And if one person cares for the other, and the other's just lustful, people get hurt. And that sucks. So I guess all is fair in love and war. But maybe the real question is, which is which? Just one more thing relating to this, for those of you who have or do like me, I'm weird, I really only want what I can't have. So I set myself up to get hurt and it's bad but I can't help it, its always been like this. So please don't take offense if I don't like you back. I probably value you too much as a friend to bare the idea of losing you. And Just for those of you who don't know, the whole we can still be friends after this is done with is bull. Alot of it. That never ever will work out. EVER. But speaking of losing friends, which I'm terrified of, four of my closest friends are leaving. They'll be back I just don't want them to leave. And thats selfish of me I know, they're going to do what they love in a once in a lifetime adventure, but I can't handle the idea of them leaving. But for now thats all I'm going to say about that. So lets all grab hands and go on the roller coaster that will be and is our lives together. Peace.

Recycled Paper: Recycled Thoughts

Its weird to think that the paper I use to write on, is recycled into new paper that could be in my hands. I wrote thoughts and stories then, and I am writing thoughts and stories now. What if its not only the paper thats recycled? But our thoughts too? Not that our thoughts are on a continus reel, but more of, they're the same but more developed. If you think about it, it could be. When we want something, we come up with an old plan more developed "to better fit" the situation. But, in sense, aren't they the same thoughts that we've always had? Sure there are new people in our thoughts, new places and maybe a few new sensations. But is it really that different from those we've had in the past? Could the human mind possibly hold so many new thoughts? What if when all the new thoughts come in all the old ones just well, fall out? We can't possibly keep them all could we? I know that the bad one's are always crystal clear until they eventually get blocked out... but the good ones seem to fade quicker... Maybe I'm losing my mind I'll blog more later. Peace.

Sun Valley

Sorry that I haven't blogged in quite some time. It's Spring Break and I've been busy in Idaho. I'll blog more once I come home which is tomorow. But for now since everyone's relaxing in starbucks there are a few things of which I would like to share with you. One: I'm excited for Queer Prom! (This is so girly *Yuck* But thats ok its just something to look forward to) Two: I stopped taking my antidepressants a coulpe weeks ago. Lets hope my Mom doesn't read this. But the best part is, I've been happy. Truly happy. Just for clarification for those who don't know I've had deppression all my life, its not a big deal its just always been there. And I suppose to some extent always will be. But I stopped taking it because it took away my ability to be able to feel anything. I just felt like an emotionless drone but now all the emotions I'm having are real and its, well, refreshing. It's really fun to be able to have real non-controlled emothions so don't take them for granted. But for now thats it more later. Peace.

Scene

This is the Scene I wrote for drama if you wanted to read it...

Girl is sitting on curb, ideal setting would consist of rain. Man walks by on side walk, glance down, keeps walking. Then he turns and stops for a double take. And so, our scene begins.

Rich Man: It's been A long time.



Poor Girl: I suppose it has been.



Man helps her up by taking both her hands. For a moment they exchange glances, the girl looking almost abandoned, as if holding back tears, the man's gaze filled with disgust.



Rich Man: Look what's become of you.



Poor Girl: I am not ashamed of what I have become. You how ever seem to be very much embarassed.



Rich Man: When did you stop caring?



Poor Girl: It wasn't I who stopped caring.



Rich Man: You think I had a choice?



Poor Girl: holding back tears of frustration Of course you had a choice! You, you could have stayed. You could have stayed, just a little longer to see what could have happened to us.



Rich Man: I was just a boy!



Poor Girl: I was just a girl! But I seemed more prepared to face what we had created.



Rich Man: What do you mean?



Poor Girl: I was pregnant. You just left me.



Rich Man: I had no idea... I'm so sorry I should have never left you...



Poor Girl: bitterly You only say that because you know.



Rich Man: I loved you... I still love you. I should have never left. I still love you.



Poor Girl: You want me to believe that after you left me? You only love me because of the child that os no more.



Rich Man: Don't you care about me?



Once again he grabs her hand, leaning in as if with the intent to kiss her. She, however looks bewildered. She pulls away slapping his hand.



Poor Girl: Don't touch me. It'd be best if you'd leave now.



Rich Man: looks up and down the street Where do you live?

Poor Girl: It doesn't matter. Just leave.

Rich Man: Please, just give me another chance. Please, come and stay with me, just for awhile, until you get back on your feet.

Poor Girl: Stop pretending I know you married her. Leave.

The man walks away, the girl sits back down upon the curb and begins to sob.

Tonight

Tonight my mom has her book group over for a dinner. I rather enjoy these women, but I'm not really supposed to come upstairs and mignle about with them. I am supposed to be downstairs with my dad and brother but I think I will stowe away in our computer room for awhile. One of the great things that comes from my mom's book group meeting is that for the next few days we will have AMAZING leftovers. I am already looking forward to lunch tomorow. Although I'll end up eating it in the locker room after gym like I always do but thats ok. That means I won't have to share. But anyways I've been thinking alot lately about some certain things. It's probably just things that teenagers do, or at least thinking about them. I wonder if I make myself understandable when it comes to the topic of drugs. Although I would never do them myself, mainly because I don't want to end up like some of my relatives who cannot stop and have lost everything to their addiction I'm not exactly opposed to other people using them. In fact I don't think it truly bothers me in any way. I don't mind if some one wants to hang out when they're high, as long as they're not mean when they are. (I've seen that happen) But also at the same time, I feel like I should advise people to stop. I don't want them to get hurt. I don't even know why I care so much. I've just seen the extremes of what that stuff can do and it scares me that some of my friends could be headed down that same path. Sometimes I wonder if they themselves have truly seen these horrible fates. I guess what this means is that if I encourage you to not do these things it means I care. It may not make perfectly clear what I mean, because if its what you have to do to get away then you should, but in moderation and with people that wouldn't hurt you. But at the same time every fiber in my bodies screaming at me to stop whoever is going to do it, "They might get hurt, remember what happened?!" I'm not just writing these things so people will like me, or think I'm "chill" or whatever; this is truly how lost I am in this situation... I want to help but mostly I want to trust people not to get hurt. But I trusted before and it didn't end very well. So if you're one of the people who are into this kind of thing, just know, I'm not sure whats going through my head either....

Sponge.

Today was a good day, although I now wish I was like a sponge and could just suck up all the pain and negative emotions all my friends face. But there is no way I can, all I can do is listen and sympathize. Which, personally I find very stressfull. But there is one highlight about my day that I would like to share, today in drama, I wrote a scene. At first I didn't realize the proximity of what I had created, but as soon as Emma alerted me that the main female character was a prostitute, ideas began to boil inside of me. It was a wonderful feeling. I made my drama teacher read it, he looked and me then back upon the paper and said "Although I am certain that some people would argue that this is not age appropriate for a ninth grader to write, yet alone act, I'm going to let it be. This is beautiful." Thats saying alot coming from him. ('speacally 'cause he's a homophob) Once its handed back to me I'll type it up here for you all to see. But now I am off to sleep.

All A Kid Wants

Today, after my upset blog I wrote at Gracie's we went outside into the sun. I love being outside, but we lay in the sun, me just in my underwear and absorbed vitamin D. In case you don't know vitamin D's what makes you happy so I cheered up. Then I had to go to my 8-year-old cousin's birthday party, which ended up being pretty fun. (I got to drive both ways) But when she was opening up herpresents, I became rather jealous. I wanted smencils. (thy're just like pencils only they smell like fruit! Cool right?!) And then it donned on me, in so many ways I'm still a kid. I'm sure we all are, maybe we just don't talk about it. It's not that I'm a full on kid, like mentally, its just I still love toys, playing on swings, ect. I personally don't think it's a bad thing, I can be mature, well I guess I am, but how cool would it be to have my drawings smell like fruit?! very. Thats all for now.

School

I hate school. I know everyone does but... When you walk into the building does it bring you to tears? Didn't think so, but if it does we should start a club or something... But evertime I walk into that god foresaken building part of my soul DIES. Its not so much the learning I hate, in fact, as nerdy as that sounds, but its enlighting. Anyways I'm not sure what I hate about it. Maybe its because I have to listen to everyone bitch about the homework and how little sleep they got the night before. WERE ALL TIRED! I mean, if you stayed up untill 3am I'll listen but if you're just tired I don't really care. Well I do, just not today because I'm in a bitchy mood and I don't know why. I guess people just need to get over themselves and just bit they're lip... I guess I'm not one to talk, espically now. But I feel like I'm sufficating every time I'm within eyesite of the building. Well I don't now. I'll read this once I'm not in a bad mood and laugh at how spoiled I sound... Just wait. But if you're wondering, my faith in karma has been altered greatly. I don't think it exists anymore. So generally theres a peak in the storm that over shadows my week. like friday at school I couldn't stop crying. It wasn't just a few tears through out the day, it was uncontrollable spewing of tears. I couldn't stop. It was awful. I thought that would be the peak of the storm. (Wow if you just started reading this it'd sound like I was just talking about my period.) Boy, I was wrong. Today was just as bad. I didn't even smile. Which, if you don't know me says ALOT. I smile even when I'm not happy. At all. But today I didn't smile, well maybe like one or twice, but still. And I was pretty quite, I guess I only talk when I feel like I have something important to say or I'm nervous; but its still not that great I didn't talk. My friend keeps telling me that someone's gonna come and make everything feel better. I don't know if I believe this, I want to but, why now? And besides karma's not real there's nothing that will even it all out. But I'm going to go do other shit, but I want to leave something I said, mostly so I don't forget, but here goes nothing. "I want to laugh at the irony of it all, but cry in despair."

Another Thought Time With Josie!

So I was thinking, some readers, the few that there are, by now my be thinking "Josie why do you spend so much time on your blog when you could be outside doing wonderful things?" And they may go as far as to list some of the numerous activities I could be taking apart in. Well there are two answers to this question, the first is that I do take part in wonderful activities through out the day, but my parents make me come home. And while I am home instead of lying on the couch watching tv or listening to music, I have decided it may be a better use of my time to share my thoughts, although they may not be very important. And second karma's a bitch. I have horrible karma. I haven't really done anything but because karma's such a bitch, it finds pleasure in nipping at my heels and overly punnishing me in my daily activities. And because this is neuteral karma could make up no reason to spite me. (Yes, I do very much believe in karma.) So although the voices that take place in my head for you, my readers asked quite politely if I had any friends or not, I do. I just barely started to blog, well yesterday, so I'm pretty positive I only say so much because it's new. Give it a week or so and new posts will become rather rare. Well I'm going to go and see if my Dad will take me driving so peace.

Eggs and My Dad

So since I'm stuck at home until my mom comes home from spin class, or decides to answer her phone, I think I might waste some irreplaceable time on my blog. I'm going to regret this on my death bed. But anyways, I was just thinking about breakfast. Not sure why, but I was. So every morning my dad makes me eat breakfast, which isn't too bad, except when he makes eggs. My dad's a great guy, and a good cook don't get me wrong, but for the life of him he cannot make eggs. Have you ever had burnt eggs? I have. My dad enjoys making over easy and scrambled, which are my favorite, but, he can't cook eggs... at all... I think part of the problem is that he won't use butter or olive oil on the pan, because, they're not as healthy as the spray stuff. Can't remeber the name right now. Thats ok. But what happens is the eggs don't cook like they're supposed too. You know how over easy eggs are usually pretty buttery? Imagine over easy eggs without being cooked in oil or butter thats what I eat every other morning or so. They do this weird thing, where the first layer turns brown. It tastes like how I would imagine burnt paper with cat piss on it to taste. The scrambled eggs do it too. And also because its unhealthy, my dad won't put any salt on them. Although sometimes he'll drench them in ketchup, I HATE ketchup. Its like I can feel the corn syrup in it sliding down my throat. Its gross. By now you're probably wondering "Josie, if you hate the eggs your dad makes so much why don't you ask him to make something else?" Funny thing. I would, but because I'm a vegetarian, my dad makes me eat it, because supposidly I'm going to die from lack of protien in my diet. Added to that, he thinks I have an eating disorder, I know its because he cares, but my metabolisim isn't the same as his so I'm not as hungry as much or as quickly. But my mom walked in so I'll write more later.

Rambling... Again

The second I turn sixteen and get my license, I'm either driving to some far off place or living out of my car. Which, by the way, I drove yesterday for the first time and I sdin't kil anyone! Yay Josie!! We also got new hubcaps for the tires and learned that seat covers don't work in the back of my car. I should probably tell you what kind of car it is. It's a 1990 Subaru Legacy Sudan, so its older than me but its a good car. It gets 33 mpg highway, which is awesome! Everyone's paying like thirty thousand or whatever so they can get good mileage and my dad got my car for just a thousand. This car has been around since I can remember, its always been in my family. First it was my Great Grandmothers, then my Dads, then my Grandmas, and finnaly it went back and fourth between my Aunt and grandma for years, and now we don't really know who were suppose to give the money too. Just kidding, I guess that finnaly its mine. Which is funny because I don't exactly have a permit... I'm too lazy. But if I do live out of my car I'll go home sometimes, or to a friends so it won't be solid car time or whatever... But I guess its impossible for me to truly know right now. Want to know what blows my mind?! I guess you don't really have a choice, but I'll be able to drive next summer! I know, its not even summer now, but theres always been so much time before, but now its all surging down, its weird. Does anyone else feel like the school district puts a ton of pressure upon thier students to know what they want to be when thy're older? I do. Next time my consler asks I think I'll tell her I want to be a hooker. It'd be brillant. Watch as that be the one time she listens to me. The last time I met with her, she decided I was going to go to the U. NO FUCKING WAY!!! I hate Utah more than anything and I'm leaving as soon as I can, so all the meeting amounted up to was my consler and I arguing that the U's a good school, and that the U sucks. Pretty fun. Well, I lost. BIG time. But thats ok the school district is run by the government, and the governments corrupt... I think I'm going to go do more productive things for now... Bye? I guess?

Word Play

Society has this weird frame around "bad" words and "good" words. Words only have power if you give them power. Although some words need to be given power like hate and discrimination. But what about words like fuck shit and damn? People use these words for so many differnt reasons, but often enough for the wrong ones. Generally to look like a "bad-ass" or to express extreme rage or frusration. But why should these words hold some much more power over the others? The word couch and fuck are both made of letters, when you say "couch" no one thinks twice. But if you say "fuck", espically in Utah there are bound to be gasps. I use the "bad" words as just common words in my vocabulary. They are nouns, verbs and adjatives just like normal. But then why, do I bite my tongue around my family, after all they are just words, right? To me they are, but to them they are definite "bad" words. This is just because of the way society views them. Who exactly decided that these words were worse than hate? School children, even toddlers, barely learning to speak use hate almost everyday. But NEVER a single swear. And if they do, punnishment will follow quickly. But is this play on words that society has set up justified? Of course not. Hate, is the worst emotion or feeling a person could ever carry and yet children use it everyday "I hate you mom!" This is not right. Words like hate, aren't even bad words, what makes a word bad is the emotion that surronds it. Hate is a horrible emotion and this is what should be stressed across, if anything related to "bad" words and "good" words.

Pets

So I figured out something that might be important to know... I have had like eighty pets, 1 snake, 3 horses, 1 scorpian, 7 hampsters, 1 frog, 1 cat, and 2 parakeets. ALOT of fish, but I'm not going to count them. But everytime one of my pets die, someone I know dies. Every pet, (excluding fish) I can name a person who's died right after. Doubtful? So was my friend maria, she didn't believe me then my hampster died and then BOTH her grandparents died. Ask her, it's the honest to god truth. So when on of my pets die, watch out!

Another Shot

I read my friends blog, and they talked about things that made them, well them so maybe I'll try that. I love debate, more than life, if I couldn't debate I wouldn't go to school. EVER. I hate the way society is laid out, all of it. The government mainly. I guess its because in a sense it controls everything, sort of. Not me though. That sounds vain... I guess that might be part of why I suck at blogging. Its not that I give a shit what people think, I just want to be able to sound like me. I can't really do it through words very well. But anyways I hate being at my house so I guess I might try blogging when I lock myself in my room. (sounds emo right?) Now you probably understand that my thought sequene is all over th place... I like art, painting and sculpting mainly. Right now I don't have anything else to say something cool will eventually come... Or at least I hope my thought aren't so artifical and dull. I don't think they are but they might sound like that when put onto paper, or in the computer. Maybe I just can't put everything down at once....

First Blog

This is weird... I don't really know what to write, I'm sure something will eventually come, but for now this is it....