Actions.

Mine haven't been so smart lately.
My skin is crawling with hatred and anger towards myself.
I'm just not quite ready to let go.
But I guess I will have to be forced to do that.
Everyone's been mean to everyone;
and now, maybe we all feel as awful as I do.
Maybe not.
Who knows?
But I now know that I'm sorry as hell.
Forgiveness is needed, but won't be granted.
I owe apologies, and they've been said.
But forgiveness and second chances are hard to come by.
And often enough in the case of me,
Are
Never
Granted.
Possibly I'm still mad.
Mad that I can't express myself.
I want to be understood.
But its hard to understand one,
Who still doesn't quite understand themself.
Its like trying to grab ahold
Of
The
Wind.
Impossible.
Frustrating.
Painful.
Pain on both sides.
Pain everywhere.
Collasping.
Gasping for air.
Drifting off into a deep sleep.
Darkness encloses the world.
In darkness there is nothing.
And finding nothing,
There is peace.

And this is the roller coaster that exists to be my life.

Thought That Have Appeared Lately

These aren't in a particular order.

-When packing two things became apparent, one: I cannot pack to save my life, two: three weeks is longer than I had thought.

-Looking at my fish bowl, I can't help but wonder, do fish get lonely?

-My co-worker is an extremely awesome person. I probably shouldn't be so fond of him.

-While at work, I realized I was extra happy there.

-While playing Mario Kart Wii I realized if I where to buy the game nothing would ever get done.

-I think I will really really miss all of my co-workers, and I don't want two of them to leave.

-While carrying out a few of my random actions through out the day, I realize I do alot of the things I do just because I'm bored and I can.

-I really do have some trust issues I should work on.

-Three weeks seems like a long time to be away from work.

-In five months I'll be able to drive... Legally.

-I don't have to eat as much as I used to. I'm probably not growing anymore which is fine by me.

-I don't really know who reads this.

-I've fallen into a routine and I'm happy with it.

-How could I have woken up at 6:30 after staying up until midnight?

-I hate hormones

-Richards a funny name for an asian. (wow, I'm pretty racist.)

-Death Cab for Cutie is amazing live.

-Do fish feel stressed out the same way I do?

-I want to hug my goldfish. He, although named Josie (So my parents won't miss me, he's my subsitute) looks sad and nervous.

There have been more thats just all I am thinking right now. I guess I'll blog again once I get the chance. :)

Insert Title

So working at Discovery Gateway has turned out to be one of the most enjoyable things I have ever done. Yesterday alone I learned how to make posters. Like the REALLY nice ones with foam backs and everything! Sort of an odd thing to get excited about. But other than learning cool things like that, the entire building works like a family. Everyone is happy and nice and they all rely on each other, not just one person. And I'm merging into that sort of circle of trust. And I even get my own computer on Wensdays. Pretty sweet. I even enjoy sorting through coupons. And its cool to know that even though for the most part I'm behind scences, I get to help my fellow employees have a nice day at work, I also get to help kids and their families have a nice day they'll probably remember for awhile to come. And that feels pretty good. Although its not exactlly a warm fuzzy feeling I was expecting (Sorry about that bitch and moan blog) I still come home from work with a smile on my face. Well I've got to get back to cleaning my room but I just thought I'd share this. Peace.

48

Well. Facebook once again has brought up many thoughts. We can all add in the groups such as "End Child Abuse!" or "Feed Starving Children With A Click!" or "Lets end puppy mills FOREVER!!!!". But its not going to make a difference. But how are we supposed to exactlly make a difference? I've done fourty eight hours of service and I still don't feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Or even that I made an impression. Its fun. But not life changing like its brought out to be. And I've done more than the people, (well sort of just a few in particular, but just in case we'll not put any names here. Don't worry, if you're reading this it's probably not you. And if you really are THAT concerned feel free to text me and ask.) who add these little groups which mean nothing and most likely the ones who've created them. So why do they feel a sense of accomplishment and I feel nothing? I feel the exact same. I'm enjoying all the service that I have done don't get me wrong, there's just no warm fuzzy, making a differnce feeling. It fell short of expectations. Is this how everything will end up? Just falling short of how its expected to be? Is life just like learing that there's no Santa only continually? Maybe, just maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm looking in all the wrong places for a warm fuzzy feeling.

Moderate Spelling Errors

So... These are some different philosophies I have written... I hope you enjoy them.

"If we took away all things bought by people to define their sense of self, would there be anyone left?"

WE: World as a whole and/or one.

TOOK AWAY: Temporarily removed

ALL THINGS BOUGHT: hair dye, plastic surgery, clothes, homes, art supplies, etc. (and although jobs are not bought they would fall into this definition as well.)

DEFINE THEIR SENSE OF SELF: actions taken to give one a sense of individuality.

PEOPLE: world's population

IF and WOULD: display hypothetical situation

ANYONE: individuals

LEFT: remaining

I encourage you to think about this and come to your own decision but here are some of my thoughts on this. (all of which are one hundred percent my own. PLEASE DO NOT COPY THESE UNLESS YOU GIVE ME FULL CREDIT.)

I personally cannot imagine a world without a way to hold my own thoughts and read others. (pens, paper, books)

Some create with words, through writing (pens, paper) or music (insturments). Others create with colors and sences (paint, art supplies, cameras, and so on). And others simply do not create. Would those, (the ones who do not identify themselves with a certain brand or something along those lines) be the ones who remain? I suppose children also would indeed remain, for what other children wear or look like matters not to them. Unless they are taught so. So does this mean that only innocent children and those who have no creativity will remain?

Here is another theory I came up with.

Going through trail and triumph both, we achieve on mandatory thing for life. Creativity. Meaning behind flowing words, colorful pictures would become unattainable without both trail and triumph. Trail, because without struggle, frustration, and all else that follows trail, we could not achieve triumph. And therefore, no knowing of beauty or happiness. Without triumph, there would be no trail, therefore no known emotions. Without knowing emotions, we find ourselves in a grey area. Not knowing pain or happiness we would not be aware of the lifeless situation we are in. But, because trail in a life will not fade, and from trail comes triumph, there is no fear of this, unless it becomes forced. When in this grey area an individual would not be able to feel anything. This concept would appear tourchourous to you or I, but to them it would be the norm. Or normal to us if we were there. And without emotions creativity would be unnattianable. We could easily paint what we see, but why it would matter would become unfigurable. Therefore taking away the true meaning of creativity.

And here are some thoughts on what it means to hate:

Is it truly out of human nature to be peaceful? Or are we taught to hate one another? Are violence and hate learned or perhaps even forced behaviors?

LEARNED/TAUGHT: By what is set up and shown

FORCED: By actions of others resulting in resentment of such people.

If taught, why does it carry such passion?

When learned perhaps it results in an almost false passion, or falso predijuce. This is because when taught to hate, it is always from a baised person. And when a biased person teaches another their views it most likely will rub off onto them. And because the majority population does not think for itself, it is easy to teach hate.

Or perhaps it is just a combination of both.

If we all see the wrong in wars and fighting why do we stand aside and let it continue?

And finally, a few scattered thoughts on parenting. These are just barely starting to form. The main concept came from a man, I do not know his name, but I give him credit for this:

"If you ever have kids the secert is to never be in a rush"

Childhood really ought to be a time of free running bliss and a guiding eye of freedom.

Thats all for now.

Poem #1

Log in,

Log out.

Look for something,

Finding nothing.

A need for communication grows,

Not caring who.

Wanting of change,

Growing for that inside.

A need, a thrist,

To get away.

To be done.

Mentally wary.

Fed up.

Physically stuck.

Wanting to close off.

Everything.

Re-Learn senses.

Hitting the ground running.

But,

My legs fail.

And I am stuck.